so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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