if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She announced her abortion via fbk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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