she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
