sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
