i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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