I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
