I accidentally burped into my bong.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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