You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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