Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
