His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize