I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
