We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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