i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
