I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
