I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
