I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
