You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
