I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
