M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
