So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
