I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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