Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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