My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
