What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
