I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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