first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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