You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
