I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
