Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
