who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
