Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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