like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
