You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i came on her dog
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
