Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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