Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
