Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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