Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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