Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
