Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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