girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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