oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
