If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
