if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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