i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
