soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
