i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
