I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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