so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
