Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
