A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
