you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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