Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
