she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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