I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
