Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
