so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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