can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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