note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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