I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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