Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
