Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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