Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
