Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
