that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
