Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
