i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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