she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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