i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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