I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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