from now on my penis is your penis
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
