So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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