she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
