Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
