Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
